When I look back over my life I am grateful for where God ahs brought me from. At a point in my life I lived a homosexual life and was fully engaged. I had been through many things in my life that lead to the life style that I lived. I was a young woman who dealt with molestation, abuse (verbal, emotional and physical) and rape, along with destructive behavior and many wrong relationships. I faced many suicidal attempts and alcoholism due to trying to deal with all the things that happened throughout my life. I was in a very dark place and was looking for somewhere that I could escape. I want to feel accepted and just wanted to feel like a person. In my mind I struggled with my sexuality on top of everything else and I thought that there was no way that I could live that type of life. What would it do to my family and how would people look at me and treat me. Well, after going through so much pain and hurt and mental turmoil, I just figured it was my life to live and I might as well live the life I wanted to live. I transistioned from my feminity to what some would call a butch look. Initially I was happy n the choice that I made and figured that I was finally where I was meant to be. I no longer felt like I was lost and I was accepted finally by those I was around. I did not feel out of place……. but of course that is what the devil wanted me to believe and think. As time went on, it seemed like I was getting sucked into a dark vortex. The comments got worse, the people passing would stare, and it all was uncomfortable for me. I over time became the most unhappiest that Ihad ever been in my life. I always knew the life I lived was not the life that God intended for me to live, yet I wanted to live how I wanted to live. Well, in living that life, the devil played many tricks with me mentally and my drinking became worse because I was just trying to numb the pain that I endured. Over time I was so far into living a life that it began to feel like a curse and I turned to the one person I knew that could help me cause I could not call on the Lord for myself. So, through the prayers of my mother and my brother and others, the Lord gave me another chance at life. The devil thought he had me bound to living a life thatGod did not ordain for me to live. The Lord loosed me from that lifestyle and when He loosed me He gave me a testimony to help and reach out to others. For years I struggeled with giving my testimony cause I did not want to be judged by my past. Through much prayer and shedding many tears the Lord told me it was time. I fought it everytstep of the way and as I stood in front of others giving my testimony it felt like God llifted a weight and felt like something fell off of me. What fell off of me was the chains that the devil had been trying to keep me bound to. What fell off of me was that the enemy no longer had me bound to a past that God had given me the victory over. After giving my testimony a woman approached me and said “all this time I had an issue with you, but you just told my story. I have never told my family but you just told my story.” I will never forget that moment because in that moment there was another release. God was showing me why I needed to tell my story and He was showing me that so many would be set free from my testimony. In that moment I told the Lord “use me for Your glory.”
When you tell God to use you, you really do not realize what is going to happen. When you decide to live your life for God, the enemy will attack you. Understand that when the enemy attacks you, he must ask God for permission to do what he is getting ready to do. God allows it because He knows what you can handle and each attack on your life is meant to grow your faith and to grow your strength in the Lord. When I was attacked for giving my testimony, at first I wanted to say nothing more but the the Lord used my husband to minister to me. He said “By you not telling your testimony, the devil is keeping you bound to your past but God has set you free. Since God has set you free you don’t allow anyone to put in a place that keeps you from telling your story. I knew your past before I married and it did not keep me from marrying you. Who you use to be, you are not her anymore. I love you as you are and there is nothing in your past that would keep me from loving you. People are always going to have things to say but you do what God wants you to do.” Every word he said was right and what really ran deep is that, although he knew my history, it did not stop him from loving me. He loves me as is not as I was or for who I use to be. He didn’t walk away because of the lifestyle I lived in my past.
When I realized the love that my husband has for my, I then realized how much more God loves me. In all that I have done in my life, God still loves me and accepts me with all my flaws. I have made many mistakes in my life and I have carried years and even generations of pain but the Lord wrapped His arms around me and loved me. When things get rough, the Lord is my shelter, He is my refuge and my fortress (Psalm 91:1-2) My hiding place is in Him and He will keep me protected from my enemies. Because God is my dwelling place nothing can bring harm to me. Because I now live a life in Christ I am not condemned because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set me free from the law of sin and death (Romans 8:1-2).
Don’t allow who you use to be to keep you bound to place that the Lord has alrready set you free from. You are not who you use to be. Your testimony sets you free and it sets others free from the bondage that the devil has them bound to. Let God use you for His glory. It may seem a little scary and uncomfortable. When God is moving in your life, it is not going to be comfortable. It is easy to do what is familiar, so step out on faith and let God do the moving. He has already prepared you for where He is taking you.
Though an army beseige me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then I will be confident. Psalm 27:3
So, when you are attacked by many stay confident in knowing that the Lord has you protected and what the enemy thinks he is tearing down, the Lord will build for His glory. You have been called and was ordained even before birth.